The #1 Communication Problem in Marriage

The number one communication problem in marriage is that we do not listen. 80% of couples who seek marriage counseling have issues with communication. Rest assured we are normal — not perfect, but normal.

Anyone can talk. Not everyone can listen.

Tom: Perhaps you’ve been in a conversation discussing a topic like finances which gets manipulated so that it is no longer about the budget, but your spending habits? Maybe you’ve been told you’re irrational or overreacting when the topic at hand was cleaning up the garage? Or Johnnie’s grades keep resurfacing despite having asked your spouse for help. Chances are one or both of you are not listening and have fallen into the #1 Marriage Communication Pitfall.

Stephen Covey has said “We do not listen to understand, we listen to reply“.

MF: I’m guilty. Assuming I know what Tom is going to say, I begin to formulate my response. Sometimes I even interrupt with my response. I can also come up with a great fix and wonder why Tom doesn’t appreciate it. Most embarrassing of all is my attitude that I know best, and Tom had better “Listen up.” O.K., I’m not that harsh. But I am pretty good at multi-tasking. Not only can I walk and chew gum, I can also listen and peel potatoes. That doesn’t exactly make Tom my #1 focus.

As human beings we are hard-wired to listen with a focus on ourselves.

MF: Relax. We are hard-wired to care more about our own feelings, thoughts, and perspectives, or simply what we are doing right now. Focusing on us is a survival skill that we are born with. We are born crying. The assumption: We are normal and healthy.

Active Listening is a skill that is cultivated over a lifetime.

Tom: Active Listening is essential to good communication and has become a buzzword in Leadership Circles. In a marriage, Active Listening is Empathetic Listening. It is listening to understand and focus on the thoughts, needs and feelings of our spouse.

5 Steps to ACE the #1 Marriage Communication Problem – Listen up!

1. Set aside time to listen when you can both be emotionally present.
2. Stay on topic. Speak concisely. (My efficient wife loves this one.) Share your thoughts and your feelings.
3. Ask your spouse what they heard you say. This is not a test. Be gentle and show interest. Provide clarification if needed.
4. Take turns. Listen while your spouse responds. Listening involves both hearing and understanding.
5. Act on what you learned. Empathetic listening is taking to heart what you have learned.

Being understood may be even more important than being loved.

MF: Wow! What good is it to be loved if the person loving you doesn’t get you? This is what we desire at our very core. Empathetic Listening is the key. Switch up your communication with a simple Rule of 3’s: 1. Listen to Learn. 2. Listen with Empathy. 3. Act on what you learned.

Make “I get you!” your daily ‘I do!’