Phones at the Dinner Table
While out to dinner recently we had a misunderstanding near the end of the meal. I (Mel) was looking up information on my phone and showing it to Mark. He was clearly disinterested, and I felt puzzled.
I (Mark) see technology as a good tool to use – just not a tool to build our relationship. It bothers me when I see a couple out for dinner, both on their phones and not saying a word to each other. I see this as a missed opportunity to discuss, joke, and get to know one another more fully. So, when Mel started looking at her phone during our meal, I felt annoyed and I wanted no part of it.
While eating at the Italian restaurant, I (Mel) started to compare our food to a previous delicious dining experience in Venice. Our daughter and I had been gifted a trip to Italy, and Mark wasn’t able to join us. I decided to try to find the restaurant online for Mark’s and my upcoming trip to Italy this October. Trying to show Mark my phone’s screen as I searched, I couldn’t figure out why he wouldn’t look at it. I felt hurt and confused.
The tension between us was palpable as we grew silent and looked in opposite directions.
While we didn’t resolve our disagreement at the restaurant, we did talk afterwards in private. We shared what we were thinking and feeling during this incident, I (Mel) realized that I hadn’t fully voiced my motivation for being on my phone. I (Mark) realized I hadn’t expressed my desire for a tech-free meal. No surprise, we couldn’t read each other’s mind and should have communicated better!
We also discussed our viewpoints on cell phone usage at meal times. In general, we agree we are “old-fashioned” in a few ways and really do prefer tech-free meals full of good conversation. We agreed that while at restaurants, we’ll be open to an occasional sharing of something interesting one of us found online, an informational text from our kids, or a funny meme – as long as it stimulates our relationship.
Click HERE to see some questions that prompted further discussion; maybe they’d be helpful to you, too.
This is an excellent link with great tips on using technology to build relationships – read all the way to the end! Link to Using Communication Technology to Improve Relationships
3 Comments
Kathy Mills
My husband and I (married 40 years)are definitely alike in preferring phone-free meals. He rarely brings his phone when we go out; I bring mine, mainly in the event our daughter calls (she lives several hundred miles away and has a history of anxiety and depression). We went out tonight to a favorite pizza restaurant for the first time since the pandemic. We were there for 2 hours. During this time, I used my phone twice to look up something we were discussing, and once to reply to a text from my sister-my reply was 7 words long. In total, this would have been 5 minutes, maximum. My husband couldn’t even wait till we had left the restaurant to say he was disappointed that I had exhibited inattention to him by using my phone, rather than focusing all my attention on him. I have told him I will leave my phone home in the future, but I honestly think he’s over-reacting. He is usually a very understanding and thoughtful person. I am upset that he feels this way.
Nick and Jen
Hi Kathy, thanks for your response to this article! Each of us at The Couples Post has experienced hurts like this in our marriages. You may take a look at some of our other articles, like one Paul and Stephanie wrote on listening (https://thecouplespost.org/2020/06/01/listening-love-and-respect/) or Ken and Janine’s article about ideas to settle disagreements (https://thecouplespost.org/2020/10/19/8-ideas-to-help-settle-disagreements-in/) or even the one we wrote about not being perfect (https://thecouplespost.org/2020/05/18/were-not-perfect-and-thats-normal/).
We also found some skills to work through these sorts of misunderstandings on our Worldwide Marriage Encounter Experience. If you want to learn more, you can take a look at https://wwme.org
Debbie Carla
I think the cell phone replaced the newspaper at the table. It’s rude and it shows you are not interested in the other person. I have observed some couples and it is quite interesting. There’s a neighbour couple that I observed recently that had a lunch in our town’s restaurant. Most of the time they were on their phone and hardly talking to one another. They are in their late 30s and early 40s. After a while the wife gets up and goes inside the restaurant, leaving her husband to sit for a long while until he gets up to go inside. When they finally leave, instead of walking side by side and close to each other, there remained a huge gap. It gave the impression they were not together. So many warning signs in such a short moment.