We Don’t Talk about That

What’s the one thing (or things) you and your spouse don’t talk about?   Maybe it’s money, in-laws, or sex?   

Uncomfortable Topics

JANINE: Sometimes I avoid talking to Ken about how I spend my time.  I want him to see me as responsible and productive.  When I’m lazy or judge that I haven’t accomplished enough, I feel guilty and frustrated with myself.  I don’t want to talk to Ken about this because I’m scared he might agree with my judgment of myself as being lazy.  I cover up my guilt by making excuses. I put up an extra layer of protection by portraying an attitude of ‘I’m tough and have everything under control.’  Dr. Brene Brown refers to this as ‘armoring up’ or ‘transforming up.’  

KEN: The area I avoid talking with Janine about is our sex life.  I avoid this topic because it’s uncomfortable and risky.  I fear any conflict in such a vulnerable area and avoid the topic and just go on… as if everything is just fine.  But, when Janine isn’t receptive to making love or turns me down, I feel rejected and crushed. 

JANINE: I also avoid talking to Ken about money.  When I mention something I’m thinking of buying and my idea gets shot down, I feel hurt and want to defend myself. I don’t want Ken to see me as being materialistic or greedy.     

When the topic of spending or saving comes up, I want to keep my feelings to myself.  I’d rather keep the conversation short and stick to the facts.  However, when I let Ken know about the turmoil or the wounded feelings going on inside of me, his perspective is completely different, and we can come to a compromise together.   

Being Brave Enough to Be Vulnerable

KEN: Our spouse SHOULD be the person we can go to with anything – our best friend who knows us inside and out.  In an interview on 60 Minutes, Dr. Brene Brown says, “… when you are in uncertainty… when you feel exposed… don’t tap out. Stay brave. Stay uncomfortable – lean into the hard conversation. I’m not saying you need to overshare or weep uncontrollably. I’m saying try to be aware of your armor and when you feel vulnerable … try to stay human… keep leaning in.” She states, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.” 

Sharing our feelings might be uncomfortable, but it will likely bring us even closer to our spouse. 

JANINE: When we protect ourselves from vulnerability, we also close the door to intimacy.  To take the risk and be vulnerable with our spouse, there needs to be a level of trust.  Whenever my spouse shares their vulnerable feelings with me, I need to accept that gift lovingly or he’s not likely to be vulnerable with me again in the future.   

For more on this topic: 

Definition of Feelings

Peeling the Onion of Intimacy in Marriage 

Vulnerability and Intimacy go Hand in Hand 

Dr. Brene Brown’s TEDx talk  “The Power of Vulnerability”, has over 22 million views on YouTube.