Married Singles

Why do married couples gradually (and unknowingly) drift toward finding fulfillment outside our marriage, rather than within our marriage?   

In one of his popular YouTube videos, entitled, “Wanting to Fix People,” Fr. Mike Schmitz talks about how husbands or wives might see something in their spouse that they dislike.  Gradually this annoying behavior or characteristic can lead a spouse to look for fulfillment from someTHING else.  Instead of my spouse being my one legitimate source of fulfillment, I’m going to replace them with ___________.  You might fill in that blank with any number of things, such as: romance novels, TV binging, spending time with the kids, hunting, sports, emotional intimacy with a friend, pornography, or any other ‘married single’ activity.   

Gradually this other THING or this other PERSON becomes the primary source of fulfillment in my life. 

Janine:

When we were first married, we spent as much time together as possible.  Gradually, my need to stay organized and caught up on my to-do list became more important to me than going to bed at the same time as Ken.  When I started to feel unappreciated, I decided to pour myself into my job. Although there wasn’t anything wrong with these choices, I was choosing them for the wrong reasons. 

Ken:

After a few years of marriage and a couple kids, time at home wasn’t as fun as it used to be.  I joined a softball team.  I found time to go golfing with friends.  At home, it was more fun to play with the kids than to spend time with Janine. 

Whether we’re just enjoying fun activities or trying to compensate for what’s lacking in our relationship, finding fulfillment outside our marriage could lead us to living as a “Married Single.” Being a married single is being married but living out much of my life as if I’m a single person. It’s not so much the activities we do, as it is the underlying attitude/motivation we need to look at. 

The Antidote

We had a healthy fear of our kids someday moving away and finding we’d become strangers in our own home. We could see the need to do something to avoid drifting apart, so we decided to be intentional about putting “us” first.  We started working together on planning our schedule, with built-in quality time for “us” (though it was still limited with 3 kids and 2 work schedules). Janine decided to learn to golf, so we could golf together.  Rather than Golf being a married single’s activity, it has gradually become one of our favorite date activities.  

Yes, it can be challenging to keep our relationship a priority, but the payoff is more than worth it. Don’t fall into the Married Singles trap… find a way to make your relationship the priority today! 

Looking for more on this topic? Check out these posts:  

Intentional Marriage — 50 Ways

Choose Your Hard

Marriage Wake-Up Calls

The Thief