Competition vs Unity in Marriage

Are you in competition with your spouse or do you see yourselves as a unified team? Although we don’t consciously think about being in competition with our spouse, our individual interests can sometimes fester into competition. Even little things like who’s turn it is to unload the dishwasher can become a source of irritation.

When we compete with each other to get our own way, we both end up getting less and feeling hurt or unloved. When I prioritize “me” over “we,” we clash. Making decisions focused on “we” instead of “me” brings unity AND actually makes both of us happier. If we both give up some control to come to mutual decisions, it’s a win-win.

Janine: Ken and I often have an unspoken competition over how we each choose to spend our time. I’m a ‘list’ person. I love crossing things off my ‘To-Do list.’ This is at odds with Ken’s need for rest and leisure time together. One choice that I make regularly is to put aside my to-do list to make time for Ken. I decide to get my work done while Ken is at work, so we can go out for a walk together when he gets home.

Ken: One way that I work for this unity between us is to “get over myself” (over-riding my attitude of independence). This creates division, as Janine would like me to help get things done. Rather than watching TV and ignoring what’s going on with Janine, I offer to cook supper or do dishes. I mean… there’s always something else I’d rather do, but making a “decision to love” speaks louder than any words. I’ve also learned to invite Janine to join me in everyday projects like raking leaves or doing research for a trip. Even thought his means giving up control or asking for help at times, I’ve learned that doing things together IS more enjoyable.

Although we each have our own personal agenda, we’re happiest when we “play on the same team,” focusing on working together and not competing with each other. We deal better with stress when we deal with it together. When there’s a problem, we see it as something to solve together. My spouse’s struggles are my struggles, and their victories are my victories. Marriage is not a competition.

Ways to help choose Unity over competition:

*Use the word “we”

Saying “you” in a negative way affects your whole attitude. Instead of saying, “You don’t understand me” say, “I think we should try to understand each other.” Saying “we” changes the whole conversation.

*Work Together

See conflict as an opportunity to work together. Set aside time to work on a problem together, rather than going it alone.

*Bet on your team – Finances (This could be a WHOLE separate topic/blog post. See Money Matters or Got Money Arguments?)

Researchers have found that couples who pool their money or have shared bank accounts are happier and more likely to stay together. Research has also shown that people spend more practically when they pool resources.