Peeling the Onion of Intimacy in Marriage

Do you feel disconnected or lonely in your marriage? Let’s talk about how Peeling the Onion of Intimacy in marriage can help you connect on a deeper level. 

Communication has many Levels:

1)Information:  

(KEN) This 1^st level is basically the “news, weather and sports.” This is my go-to level of communication. I like facts and trivia. It’s easiest to stay on the surface and just share information, like what’s on the calendar and what the kids are up to.

2)Thoughts and Opinions:  

(KEN) Our thoughts and opinions can reveal a lot of things about us and the way we see the world. I’m one who “lives in my head,” a daydreamer who thinks about a lot of things. I enjoy sharing my thoughts with Janine, but also know this is not getting to the deeper levels of my inner world. 

3)Feelings: 

(JANINE) Talking about feelings was something I didn’t learn until AFTER I was married, and we went to a Worldwide Marriage Encounter.  They gave us a list of feeling words and I remember trying to decide which word to use, to label how I felt – it was like I was learning a foreign language. I started to think about how I felt about things like our parenting, our finances, etc.  It took some time and effort to learn to identify and express my feelings.  Talking about how I feel about a situation is SO much different from talking about what I think.  

For more on the topic of sharing Feelings click this link: Understanding feelings and sharing them is critical to any intimate relationship

4)What’s behind/underneath the feeling?  

(JANINE)  This is where we consider WHY we might be feeling the way we do. Underneath our feelings are our needs/desires, wounds, victories, fears, insecurities, and dreams for the future.  

I remember feeling SO frustrated about all the arguments I was having with our daughter during her Senior year of high school. Ken asked me about it, and we took the time to figure out what was going on.  As he asked questions and helped me to ‘peel the onion’ I realized I was feeling scared and sad at the thought of her leaving home.  The more we talked about it I realized I was grieving that our youngest child would soon be moving away.  I told Ken that I just didn’t want the chapter of our life called ‘Raising Kids’ to be over.  I had a good cry, and then I was then able to move forward and make the most of our daughter’s last few months at home.    

The Bottom Line

(KEN) Peeling the onion of intimacy in marriage might seem uncomfortable at first.  But… As last week’s post said, “when we protect ourselves from vulnerability, we also close the door to intimacy.” Intimacy is what we all crave and need. Going to the inner “layers” of ourselves and sharing them with our spouse is what builds the deep, lasting intimacy we long for.  

For more posts on this topic, check out:

50 Questions to ask your spouse besides “How was your day?”

The Secret Recipe of Intimacy

Marriage Takes Work – What Does That Mean?