Are We Broken?

When we are in the middle of a disagreement or are disconnected from one another, we may look around us and only see people doing marriage better than we do it. But no relationship is perfect and every relationship has its struggles. In all likelihood we are broken, but not any more broken than others.

No Time to Unwind

Nick: Jen and I didn’t get a lot of time together last week. Pile on top of this that the first time we spent more than 10 minutes conscious together was at a very large, very public event, and it lead to one of those “are we broken?” moments for me. We were physically next to each other but emotionally miles apart at the same time. There was a surreal awareness of the couples around us acting perfectly normal, as if nothing is different. For me, the disconnect always happens below the surface. Simple gestures like holding hands feel forced and awkward.

It’s easy for me, in those moments, to fall down a rabbit hole and question the state of our relationship. All the people around us seem perfectly happy – we must be broken. This can just spiral down into darker places unless I make the conscious effort, with Jen’s help, to move forward.

Not Alone

Jen: Every perfectly normal looking married couple has moments of brokenness. The way to pull yourself out of these moments is to recognize we are not the only ones. If you look closely at the “perfect” couples that surround you, you’ll find that there are other broken couples just like you.

Last week, even as I was feeling disconnected from Nick, I saw a couple struggling. They had a baby with them who, toward the end of the event was reaching the end of her patience, and I jumped at the chance to help the couple so they could get their baby out of there more easily. There was a temptation to pat myself on the back; and yet, in them I saw a similar disconnect as I was experiencing in my relationship with Nick. I understood that I wanted to help them because I could totally relate. While their specific situation was different, they appeared just as ‘broken’ as we were.

A Little Slack in Good Company

So cut yourself some slack. You may be broken but you’re in good company. You may find that you can help build others up even as you struggle, just through the gift of being the good company they need. You can’t see below the surface, but you can be there for others around you.

All marriages struggle at one time or another. The reality is that when you look outside of yourself for a moment, you might gain a different perspective. Sometimes, that new perspective leads not only to problem solving but also the strength to recognize how intact you really are as a couple. And you might even find that you end up stronger because of it.