Knowing and Loving

Back in 1958, a group known as The Teddy Bears recorded the song, “To Know Him is to Love Him.” To Know Him Is To Love Him (youtube.com) It’s kind of a schmaltzy ballad, to be sure, but thinking of the title of the song causes us to wonder: how many of us really know our spouse… really know them…beyond “The Newlywed Game” know them? Do we know their innermost thoughts and feelings, their joys and sorrows, griefs and anxieties, hopes and dreams?

The Journal

Karen: Many years ago, my parents gave me a diary for my 12^th birthday. I filled that little book with all the typical adolescent girl stuff. I especially loved that I could lock it up with that tiny key and keep all of this secret from the world. When that diary filled up, I started a notebook and continued journaling into adulthood. This “get honest” place helped me process my life experiences. When Scott and I got engaged, I decided that if he was going to spend the rest of his life with me, he needed to know the “real me,” the person beyond what most people saw. I shared with him my journal. I remember being very nervous when he took my book home with him. Throughout the night I wondered what he was thinking as he read. Would he change his mind after hearing my deepest feelings, fears, pains, struggles? Would he want someone more “all together” than I was?

Scott:  When Karen gave me her journal to read, my first reaction was awe. She trusted me enough to reveal herself in this very vulnerable way. I could see it was important to her that I come to know the ‘real’ Karen, beyond the girl who smiled so easily and was often the life of the party. I could feel the sacredness of the moment as she handed me her book. After finishing her journal, I realized that not only did I still passionately love Karen, but, if possible, I loved her more deeply. I felt honored to get to know Karen in this deeper way and looked forward to continuing to know and love the mystery that lies within her. And I wrote her a letter in response. Karen still has this letter.

The Journey

Throughout our forty years of marriage, we have ebbed and waned in sharing our deepest self with each other. Daily life often keeps our conversation superficial. But we remain convinced that if we want to fully experience each other’s unconditional love, we need to let each other know who we are. We need to make time to have these deeper conversations, to go beyond the surface and share deeply our hopes and dreams, our hurts, our victories and, yes, even our failures. This takes honest sharing and heartfelt listening. We continue to use this gift of writing to reveal ourselves to each other as we find it to be so beneficial to our relationship.

Not a One and Done

There is a relationship between knowing and loving, between being known and being loved. And this experience of knowing is not one and done. We evolve and grow through our life experiences. When was the last time you were vulnerable with your spouse? How did you feel when your spouse received your gift of self?

See also Peeling the Onion of Intimacy in Marriage – The Couples Post; Finding Joy Through Vulnerability – The Couples Post