Sacrificing in Marriage Can Lead to Resentment

Marriage often requires and benefits from sacrifice. It is a willingness to put your partner’s needs above your own. In a study published in 2021, it was shown that sacrificing in a marriage can lead to resentment and other ‘hidden costs’ like anger and guilt.

Negative Impact of Sacrificial Love on a Relationship

Francesca Righetti breaks down the nature of sacrifice in this study and demonstrates the ways it can affect a marriage. Sacrificing is giving up something one values for the sake of your spouse. Unlike compromise, sacrifice is unilateral. Because of this, sacrifice can lead to seeing oneself as a martyr and the judgment “you owe me.”

Our Story

MF: Early in our marriage, I made sacrifices in my career to help Tom’s career get off to a good start. I felt resentment, but this feeling was soon replaced with joy in raising wonderful kids. After 12 years he welcomed me into his practice.

With changes in Medicare and the Electronic Medical Record, it became difficult for a ‘mom and pop shop’ to compete with the escalating cost of owning a business. We struggled with the decision to close the practice and join corporate medicine. I paid the bills and could no longer balance the books. I regret that we could not agree on this decision earlier.

Resentment has resurfaced again as we struggle with work/life balance instead of coasting into retirement. These recent frustrations have resurfaced a graveyard of ghosts from my past.

Tom: I also experienced recent resentment as I typically became the one to let our newly adopted puppy out of her kennel in the early morning. We decided to adopt her even though we were working long and stressful hours.

I saw myself sacrificing so MF could sleep. I second guessed our decision to get a dog before retirement. Without thinking, I shared my ‘we should have‘ judgment with MF. It backfired. I found myself thinking “Buck-up Buttercup!”

Paradigm Shift From Sacrificing to Generosity

We recently read a piece by Henri Nouwen: “Generosity begets generosity . . . especially when generosity is rooted in the rich soil of related-ness . . . You won’t become poorer; you will become richer by giving.” The paradigm shift from sacrificing to generosity touched us deeply.

Letting Go of Old Hurts is a Process

TOM: Making the paradigm shift from sacrifice to generosity was relatively easy for me. Greeted by a puppy who is so full of joy (not to mention relief from a full bladder) is a great way to start the day. Letting the dog out in the morning allows me to be generous with MF and Jazzy brings joy and humor into my life which is a welcome relief from work.

MF: I will be the first to admit I am in the process of dealing with resentment, letting go and healing. The process of healing requires a change of heart and effort from both me and Tom. I am blessed to have a generous Lover walk with me on this journey. If you or someone you love is struggling with hurt, anger, and resentment you might find this post on 7-steps to heal resentment helpful. I know I have. Simply acknowledging those feelings is step one. Accept those baby steps as progress. It is a journey, and you are in it together.

Love is, Above all, the Gift of Oneself

Seeing ourselves as generous, rather than sacrificing is a game changer for us. Generosity is a gift freely given, minimizing guilt and resentment. Generosity is looking at the working through rose-colored glasses. Sacrificing is poo-colored. Generosity brought us back to a daily habit of seeking out each other’s needs and a daily practice of gift giving (see Intentional Gifting). Generosity begets generosity. Live it daily!