Stages

Having kids comes with stages. There’s the infant-baby stage, the toddler stage, the school-age stage, the teenage stage, and the adult stage. Each of these stages presents its own set of challenges in our married relationship.

Early Stages

Jen: We had our first baby after 2 ½ years of marriage, and our last baby just after celebrating our 13th anniversary. 5 kids in 10 ½ years. For us the infant to toddler stages lasted for quite some time, the biggest adjustment being when our first was born. When we no longer had toddlers, we had to figure out how to navigate new challenges in our relationship. We exchanged diapers and naps for soccer games and school activities, adjusting to life as a married couple parenting kids. One of the biggest challenges during this time for me was making time for our relationship at all. It was easy to let communication slide as we tag-teamed and divided-and-conquered. It seemed natural to focus all my attention on our kids, but when that happened, resentments would build and we would have to work at reconnecting.

Nick: As the kids went through the school years, I felt relieved at their growing self-sufficiency. They had the skills to feed and dress themselves. They became less challenging in a lot of ways. Some of our kids’ earlier stages we just weathered through the miracle of them growing out of whatever it was that was going on. But adulthood isn’t like that. It’s not something you grow out of. As our youngest is nearly an adult now, I find myself reflecting on how this stage is affecting my relationship with Jen. Our strategy of getting our relationship through this on sheer perseverance or wishful thinking that things will get better on their own isn’t enough.

The Adult Stage

Jen: We have now had adult children for 10 years. During these years we have navigated college beginnings through graduations, health challenges, a pandemic, and more. I find myself looking back at the earlier transitions thinking, “gosh, that was so much easier.” It was easier to be the one in charge, teaching and guiding, but ultimately who our kids are as adults is up to them. This is a hard truth, especially when Nick and I have different opinions about how they need our help now.

Nick: The primary challenge for me with our adult kids is in dealing with the way I believe they take our support living at home for granted. I want to set more parameters and help them to start building their own lives outside the nest. Jen and I disagree about how to navigate this, so discussions tend to break down. I back off and nurse my resentments and negative judgments. It’s becoming the most difficult stage of their lives for me at this point. I believe Jen and I will get through this stage like the others, but it will take some work and some compromise that we haven’t figured out yet.

Jen: Navigating this time of getting our adult children to launch is requiring one basic thing – remembering that no one issue or disagreement is more important than loving each other, because at the end of all of this, we want to still like each other. So, we go on dates, we prioritize our sexual relationship, we work at our communication, and we make time for one another. Even if that time together is spent working through a disagreement or discussion about one of our kids, it is time well-spent keeping our relationship strong.