SAYING YES

Sometimes it seems so easy to say “yes.”

Yes, I’ll help you with that project.  I’m happy to serve on that committee.  Sure, we can do a presentation for your parish.  No problem, we will write something up for you.  Absolutely, we will watch the boys for a few days.  Of course I will take you to the hospital for your surgery.  I will help you put on that four-day retreat. I’d be happy to travel to visit with you. Yes, I will chair that new committee. Sure, I’ll supervise that ministry student.

These are just a few of the yeses we have recently given.  All good things, to be sure.  But even good things can be problematic when they lead to over-commitment.

Impact on our Relationship

SCOTT: It is easy for us to say our marriage comes first. In practice, though, other responsibilities often get our best effort. When we become over-committed—whether to work, family, friends, or outside obligations—it is easy for us to neglect our relationship. Our priorities shift. It doesn’t happen overnight. It creeps in slowly, often disguised as dedication or responsibility. Until one day we realize we are giving our best energy to everything except each other. Our conversations become superficial, centered around schedules, bills, and logistics. Over time, this surface-level communication leaves us living more like roommates than partners. Without deeper conversations, it’s hard to feel truly connected or understood.

KAREN: It is easy for me to fill up a calendar with meetings, grandchildren activities, and volunteer work. And before you know it, our relationship is squeezed into whatever scraps of time are leftover. One of the first things I notice is our lack of quality time together. Even when we are both at home together exhaustion leaves little room for conversation, laughter, or affection. Slowly, Scott and I start to become more like business partners than lovers. I end up tired, distracted, and short-tempered. And my personal stress spills over into our marriage. I become edgy and argumentative. Silence abounds as I don’t have the energy to even talk. Scott has shared with me that at such times it’s like being left behind, unimportant and invisible.

The Good News

The good news is we can always begin again. When we notice these symptoms creeping into our marriage, we can re-evaluate. We can ‘get honest’ as they say, about our feelings, needs, expectations and to-do lists. We can choose to be intentional in carving out time for us. Weekly date nights, a walk after dinner, or putting our phones away for an hour re-connect us. We can choose to say ‘no’ to something else and ‘yes’ to us.

It is not always easy to find the right balance between our relationship’s needs and the world’s needs. It is a skill we are still learning to master. One thing we know for sure, our marriage thrives when we find that balance. And it suffers when we do not. Perhaps you have found yourself in this same scenario. Perhaps you too find yourselves called to discern that to which you say ‘yes.’ 

Carefree Timelessness

Is Overcommitment Crowding Out Your Relationship?