Motivation Tank

Does it ever seem that your spouse just doesn’t appreciate you?  

Do you sometimes lack the motivation to show your spouse that you love them?

What’s the missing ingredient? Often, it’s the things we aren’t receiving, like affirmation, appreciation and intentional acts of love. Coincidentally, these are the same things we likely are not giving to our spouse.  Some would argue that it’s hard to give when your “motivation tank” is empty.

It’s difficult to make the decision to love my spouse, when I’m feeling unloved or unappreciated.  What’s my motivation (underlying reason) for expressing love or doing a loving act for my spouse?  

What’s Your Motivation?

Really, what’s my motivation for doing most things?  

JANINE: I’ve been an affirmation seeker my whole life.  I wanted my parents’ approval, so I did what they asked me to do.  I wanted my teachers’ approval, so I did what was expected in school and got good grades.  At work, I meet deadlines and do more than my share because I seek the approval of my co-workers.  But in our marriage, I can be lazy.  I’ve already ‘won’ Ken’s approval, so I often neglect to show him or tell him that I appreciate him.  I’m not very concerned about seeking his approval.  

When I do decide to make a nice meal for him, or when I’ve washed, dried and folded his clothes for the umpteenth time, and he doesn’t seem to appreciate it, my motivation is even less.  

KEN: I’d like to say I was motivated purely by profound love for Janine. But I’d be lying. I do love her… a lot. But my actions are often motivated by selfishness. Giving compliments or doing things she wants done are often to soften her mood or in hopes of an evening of physical affection.

What we’ve learned is that our love should not depend on what we’ve done or said (or NOT done or said). We can depend on each other’s love and acceptance… even if we don’t “feel” loved or if our Motivation Tank is running empty on any given day.

Making the Decision to Love

How do we break out of this? How do we find the motivation to ‘love’ our spouse when we are feeling unloved? 

JANINE: When I take responsibility to make sure my own emotional and physical needs are met, I am a better wife. I can be motivated by love and devotion to meet Ken’s needs without an ulterior motive.  When I don’t ‘feel’ motivated to show Ken some love, but I make the decision to give him a compliment or some physical affection that love is almost always returned back to me.  Love begets love.   

KEN: My motivation tank sometimes matters when it comes to work or outside activities. But in our marriage, I don’t depend on concerns about how others see me. If I find myself craving affection, maybe I should make sure I’m keeping Janine’s motivation tank full (meeting her needs) before I judge how much I’m receiving. A marriage that’s 50/50 doesn’t work nearly as well as one that’s 100/100. Hey, Babe… thank you for the great meal. I like your new haircut. Let me do those dishes….

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