Fair is Not Necessarily Equal

A classic line out of any child’s mouth is “It’s not fair!” Children use this line to cover everything from chores to birthday parties to bedtimes. It’s a comparison game, but in the end, fair isn’t necessarily equal.

The Other Kids Have It Better

Jen: Looking back at my growing-up years, I noticed a difference in the way my brothers were raised compared with how my sister and I were. We were more than 6 years older than the boys, and I judged that they had a lot more perks growing up than we did. They were spoiled compared to us!

Now, if you talk to my brother, he says my sister and I were the spoiled ones. You see, perceptions are different, and the reality is that we shouldn’t expect to have an equal upbringing with our siblings. Parents can be fair without being equal.

Nick: I grew up in a house with four older sisters, an experience I liken to having five moms in total. I’m certain they can recount the many ways they had it harder than my younger brother and I did. I remember thinking sometimes the way my parents treated us all differently wasn’t fair. It was something I didn’t appreciate until Jen and I had our own children.

It’s Not Equal, But It’s Fair

Jen: In raising our kids, ideally I had wanted to treat them all equally. But this is an impossible thing. You see, no matter how many kids you have (unless there’s only 1), you can’t treat them all the same because THEY ARE NOT ALL THE SAME. You have to allow for the individuality of your kids, in addition to allowing for the change over time in who you are and where you are in life.

Nick: Each of our children is different. In situations where our kids call out the ways I individually challenge them, the key for me is just being honest and putting it in perspective. They appreciate being celebrated for their unique talents and accomplishments. The flip side of that same coin is that our feedback as parents is personal and unique. The “fair” part of this is just wanting the best for each of them.

Equal vs. Fair in Marriage

Jen: This idea of “fair is not equal” can also apply to our relationship as a married couple. It’s dangerous to keep score. I get pre-occupied with how much of each task each of us is doing. Do I do more housework than Nick? Does it balance with the amount of work he is doing outside the house? What about yard work? If I enjoy a task but Nick doesn’t, how does that change the equation?

Nick: I am less concerned with keeping score than Jen is. If I’m not careful, I’ll let her carry more of the load at home and throw our balance out of whack. I have to be mindful and attentive to avoid taking Jen for granted.

You see, in marriage too, fair is not necessarily equal. We must learn, over time, how to balance each other and create harmony, even when it doesn’t necessarily look “equal” from the outside.