Don’t Roll Your Eyes and Say Whatever

Nick: Sometimes Jen does little things I don’t like. For example, I always make sure to turn off the headlights when I park the car, having had this drummed into me as a teenager. On the other hand, Jen, knowing modern cars have built-in safeguards preventing lights from staying on all night and draining the battery anyway, is not as concerned about it. This often plays out with her walking away leaving the headlights on and me going back to turn them off myself. I feel irritated and just want to roll my eyes and say “whatever.”

The Deadliest Horseman

But I really need to not do that.

Why? Of John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of negative behaviors in a relationship, contempt is the very worst. Rolling my eyes and either saying or thinking “whatever” is at least the start of the slippery slope to contempt.

We know from research that contempt is especially fatal to marriage. Correlations have been done regarding couples’ behavior in conversation by reviewing recordings with the sound down. Prevalent body language (like eye rolling) that shows contempt is as much as 90% predictive of divorce in studies.

It’s not difficult to understand when we think it through. Contempt is an expression of disgust, which is unique among human emotions. It stems from our wanting to avoid contamination. When we reinforce contempt, we are training ourselves to be disgusted by our spouse. Once this is well enough established, there’s almost no way to repair it.

Steering Clear of Contempt

Jen: Gottman suggests that the antidote for contempt is to build a culture of appreciation in which you remind yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities

One thing I do to combat contempt when Nick does something that I find annoying enough to roll my eyes – like turning on every light in our house when he is getting ready for work in the morning and then not turning any of them off when he leaves – is hold my tongue. No matter how much the impulse to make a comment as big as an eye roll, I try to keep quiet and shift my focus elsewhere. I might still walk around with a little gray cloud over my head, but keeping the words inside gives me time to cool off and remember that no little irritating thing that Nick does is as important as preserving the foundation of our relationship.

Nick: I try to steer clear of contempt in a couple ways. First is an internal reminder that the temptation is mostly coming from my own hang-ups or insecurity. I need to sweep the mines of my odd hypersensitivities away rather than looking to have scorn for Jen when she steps on them.

I also need to keep it all in perspective. I’m still crazy for Jen and, with a little effort, I can call that sentiment to mind even when I’m not feeling very affectionate.

Finding Gratitude

Jen: Working at finding gratitude for positive actions instead of fostering contempt for things you find annoying is part of the hard work of keeping your marriage healthy. We encourage you to take a challenge: First, make a list of little things your spouse does that make you want to roll your eyes. Then for each thing on your list, write down something for which you are grateful about your spouse. Finally, take the list of eye-rollers and put a large X through it and work at focusing on the list of things for which you are grateful. It’s only a symbolic gesture, but seeing these things in writing may have a lasting effect of helping you focus on gratitude.