Be Curious

Oh, to Be Curious like a child. If you have young kids or grandchildren, you know what we mean. “Why” and “How” are innocent questions, filled with wonder and awe. Pure curiosity.

The Opposite of Curious is Judgmental

Tom: Curiosity is the hallmark of a child’s brain. Unfortunately, the more we learn the more our minds become judgmental. We swagger with a little knowledge and make up our minds prematurely. We lose our sense of curiosity.

Judgment Clouds our Questions . . .

Not only do we become more judgmental, but we can interpret seemingly innocent questions as casting judgment. “Why did you do that?” can simply be curious from a child. But the same 5-words spoken to our spouse “Why did you do that!” implies that was a stupid thing to do. Often it is our tone and non-verbal expression that casts judgment.

. . . and our Answers

MF: Judgment can also cloud our answers. For example, Tom can ask the innocent question: “What do you want for dinner?” If this question comes at the end of a long workday, I can let it punch my buttons. I feel clueless and see myself as judged for not having a plan. I can respond with a snarky, defensive comment dinner, whatever, is not enjoyable.

If I ask Tom the exact same question and “Take Out” is the answer I want to hear, I am pre-judging. The hall mark of curiosity is having no pre-conceived answer. It’s collaborative and might say: “Let’s work this out together.” Bottom line: Curiosity is OK with not knowing what’s for dinner.

Be Curious, Like a Cat

Tom: Curiosity is simply the ability and desire to learn more. It has been said: “Curiosity killed the cat.” We suspect those cats died with their curiosity satisfied. Perhaps those 9-lives awarded to cats is nature’s reward for their curiosity. So, be Curious. What is there to lose? A curious person genuinely doesn’t know and is thrilled with learning. There is no blame and no judgment, only a desire to experience and understand — Like a Cat!

Just Curious . . .

MF: I have found that prefacing a question with “Just curious, . . .” either stated out loud, or in my mind changes the tone of my question. “Just curious as to your plans for the weekend?” sets the tone for a conversation and desire to collaborate. “Where’d you put the cheese grater?” is impulsive and implies guilt. But, “Honey, when you emptied the dishwasher last night, do you recall where you put the cheese grater?” implies gratitude and asks for Tom’s help. A few more words but the tone is totally switched up!

Let Curiosity Be Your Superpower!

Tom: Tone of voice and non-verbal cues can turn a critical question into one of curiosity. Gentleness and innocence are key. Curiosity is setting aside judgments (including self-judgments) and having a posture of being open and attentive. At its best curiosity is being present in the moment. It has a laser focus and has no ulterior motive. Curiosity is intentional. Make it your Superpower.

So we close with an invitation: Give your spouse the gift of curiosity this Christmas. Be filled with wonder and awe. Be focused and intentional. Allow yourself to not know. Be curious, not judgmental.