Teamwork in Marriage: Ditch the Scorekeeping Habit

Scorekeeping never wins in marriage. Why? Because no one wants to sleep with a Loser. Ditch the scorekeeping habit and you both score a win. Teamwork takes the gold.

Scorekeeping Defined:

I pick up the mail and take out the trash. You prepare the meals and I clean up the kitchen. We lean into our skill set. When we view a task as unpleasant, we negotiate. “I’ll do this if you do that.” We keep an imaginary tally sheet of all that we have done. Like chess, scorekeeping can set an opponent up for a power play. Marriage is not a game of chess.

Pitfalls to Scorekeeping:

Tom: Pitfall #1: I make myself referee and scorekeeper. Somehow my point total is typically inflated and contrary to MF’s appraisal. I begin to think I deserve something for the winning score.

MF: Pitfall #2: When I keep score, I make the judgment that Tom never appreciates all the work I do. This leads to resentment and pent-up frustration.

MF: Pitfall #3: When tensions build, a fight over a chore like loading the dryer escalates to “I always” and “You never.” This can lead to an ugly argument where neither of us wins. For more on this scenario visit “Trash Talk.”

How to Ditch the Scorekeeping:

MF: Scorekeeping in marriage is anything but a gentleman’s game of chess. When tensions escalate, Tom is often the one to call for a “Time Out.” He gently reminds me, “Hey, We’re on the same Team.” It is a fundamental truth of our marriage and we both know it.

If Tom’s reminder doesn’t work, his warm hug melts any residual anger. We both let down our defenses and listen to the other as Teammates. We share our feelings of frustration, hurt and disappointment that were bottled inside.

Tom: We find the 5P’s of Constructive Criticism helpful whether we are offering feedback or sharing frustration:

We Pause and reflect.
We ask Permission. Can I share from my perspective?
We keep it Positive. We apologize; I appreciate all that you do.
We focus on the Present. Negative stuff from the past kills the truce.
We keep it Practical. We focus on a workable solution for today.

Tom: We have learned that score keeping often stems from a judgment that we are under-appreciated, overwhelmed or inadequate. Keeping score inevitably focuses on the negative in our relationship — what we judge the other has not done. It inhibits our ability to empathize with our spouse. Unchecked, it threatens to foster resentment in our relationship.