Writing a Focused Love Letter

Like Dialogue . . .

We bet you have written a love letter to your spouse a Post-it note on the fridge, one stuck on the steering wheel of their car or tucked in their lunchbox. Even more likely a love note in a BD or Anniversary card. Perhaps you have read our Page on Dialogue. Writing a Focused Love Letter, is like Dialogue, but has a specific focus and can build emotional intimacy. Writing this type of Love Letter, like Dialogue is about sharing your feelings which is at the heart of Emotional Intimacy.

First . . .

Begin your Love Letter with a typical endearment. You might include a pet name you have for your spouse. If you don’t have one, now might be a good time to create one. Then write a few sentences about what you love most about your spouse today. You might thank them for something special that they did. Keep it short and sweet but be specific.

The Heart of your Love Letter

Now let’s get to the heart of a Focused Love Letter. You want to write a few sentences on what it is that you most want to share with your spouse. You can focus it on something he or she did for which you are grateful, or something fun that you would like to do together. Sometimes the best focus for us is “What do I most want to share with you right now?” You can even write with a focus on something that concerns you, or something that you would like to see changed in your relationship. The tone a Love Letter makes even a concern or a desire for change more palatable.

Name Your Feelings and Claim Them

The most important part of a Focused Love Letter is sharing your feelings. This can also be the hardest part, especially when you want to focus your love letter on something that you would like to see changed in your relationship or something that concerns you. Your feelings are at the heart of what is driving your need to write this letter in the first place. Remember it is your feelings – not “You make me feel when . . .” Name your feelings and claim them. Feelings are the most intimate part of you. They are who you are at your core and are likely linked to what your spouse most loves about you. Make it a goal to become confident in sharing your feelings honestly with your spouse.

Describe Your Feeling

As you continue to focus on how the situation makes you feel, describe the feeling in loving terms. This is the focus of the remainder of your Love Letter. Be creative. What does the feeling make you want to do? What memory does it trigger? Would your feeling be a color, a taste or smell? If it were an animal what would it be? If it had a voice what would it say? Even angry or sad can be described and understood better when shared this way. Then, end your Love Letter the sam way you began with a loving endearment.

Describing Feelings Impacts Your Relationship

Describing feelings can reinforce positive behaviors and is a calming way to begin a discussion about things that need change. Writing a Love Letter keeps a discussion from escalating to “You always” and “You never,” which typically doesn’t end pretty. Couples often find taking a break in the midst of a confrontation, putting in a little distance can facilitate a healthier discussion. We believe taking a break and composing a Focused Love Letter describing your feelings be they full of joy or sharing the depth of your pain creates intimacy and can be a positive force for intimacy and even change in your relationship.

For more on sharing your Focused Love Letter with your spouse we refer you to a Page on the process of Dialogue.

If you want to learn more about writing a Focused Love Letter or making your good marriage even better, consider attending a Marriage Encounter Experience in person or on-line.